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Talk Show Holiday Quotes

The wit and wisdom of our favorite talk show hosts during the holidays


Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters

Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters

ABC Televsion

Ever been to a holiday party and not have the right toast to cap off the night? Wonder what wit and wisdom David Letterman might share at midnight on New Year's? What about an inspiring quote to scribble in the Hallmark card you're about to send to your Valentine?

It can be a task. And not everyone's prepared for that perfect moment. Well, everyone except our favorite talk show hosts. They always seem to know just what to say and when to say it. But, then, they have writers to make them witty and memorable.

So why not borrow some witty and memorable from them? We've compiled some of the best holiday quotes from our favorite talk show hosts. And you're welcome to pass them off as your own. Just don't tell them we told you that.


  • "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno
  • "Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log." - Ellen DeGeneres
  • "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." - < ahref=http://talkshows.about.com/od/jayleno/a/JohnnyCarson.htm>Johnny Carson
  • "My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass." - Jimmy Fallon
  • "Yeah, I started when I was 6 years old. My brother and sister would get all of these presents at Christmas time from the cast and crew of their show and I was jealous. So I decided that I had to become an actor." - Sara Gilbert
  • "I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year." - Jimmy Fallon

New Year's

  • "A year from now, you're gonna weigh more or less than what you do right now." - Dr. Phil McGraw
  • "Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties." - Barbara Walters


  • "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." - Oprah Winfrey
  • "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart

Valentine's Day

  • "Take it from a guy: If you're in love with somebody, you will swim the stream, you will climb the mountain, you will slay the dragon. You're going to get to her somehow, some way." - Dr. Phil
  • "There's a big difference between falling in love and being in love. There's a big difference between infatuation and falling in love." - Dr. Phil

Mother's Day

  • "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." - Ellen DeGeneres
  • "She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don't know a better person." - Oprah Winfrey
  • "No, my mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close." - Stephen Colbert

Father's Day

  • "Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch." - Jon Stewart
  • "A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?" - Stephen Colbert

    Earth Day

    • "Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid." - Jon Stewart
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