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Our Favorite Funny Talk Show Quotes

A few of the best quips, tips and quotes from talk show hosts


Our Favorite Funny Talk Show Quotes
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Whether it is a funny joke about the latest celebrity scandal, a bit of banter with a guest or an unexpected ad lib, there's nothing we like more than funny quotes from our favorite talk show hosts. After all, most of our favorite hosts come from a comedy background, whether it's stand-up, like Craig Ferguson or writing and producing, like Conan O'Brien.

So when they take a jab at someone in the news, a surly (or silly) celebrity or just crack wise at exactly the right time, we take note. And then we share.

Here are a few of our favorite quotes:

  • "They say getting thin is the best revenge. Success is much better." - Oprah Winfrey
  • "Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!" - Jay Leno
  • "I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host." - David Letterman
  • "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better." - Ellen DeGeneres
  • "When all else fails there's always delusion." - Conan O'Brien
  • "I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian." - Craig Ferguson
  • "I didn't become a comedian to work this hard." - Chelsea Handler
  • "I make a dog-friendly version of almost everything that we make for dinner." - Rachael Ray
  • "If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted." - Jimmy Kimmel
  • "The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere." - Jimmy Fallon
  • "Though I'm grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes." - Oprah Winfrey
  • "There is no off position on the genius switch." - David Letterman
  • "Mr. Right is coming. But He's in Africa and he's walking." - Oprah Winfrey
  • "Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day." - Jay Leno
  • "Anything worth doing is worth overdoing." - David Letterman
  • "Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away." - Ellen DeGeneres
  • "If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever." - David Letterman
  • "Politics is just show business for ugly people." - Jay Leno
  • "I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous." - Jimmy Fallon
  • "I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals." - Ellen DeGeneres
  • "Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log." - Ellen DeGeneres
  • "I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red." - David Letterman
  • "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'" - Conan O'Brien
  • "It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself." - Chelsea Handler
  • "I don't get emails from my corporate overlords." - Craig Ferguson
  • "Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer." - Conan O'Brien
  • "You're not famous until my mother has heard of you." - Jay Leno

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